Not Another X-Men Parody!
by PearlyJammer
Summary: The Weanie-Man as Wolverine, Mustard-Streaks as Rogue, Maste of the House as Xavier and the Lonesome Crooner as Magneto, you get the picture ; )
1. Default Chapter

Title:  Not Another X-Men Parody:  The First Part Being Um, Part One 

Autumn:  Autumn 

E-mail: dyslexic_crisco_penguin_fiend@hotmail.com 

Dedication:  For Jenn, her challenge gave me the idea. 

Disclaimer: I do own the song bits, and sort of the characters… 

__________________________________

Scene.......  

A bar in Canada...... 

Wise old bar guy: "..........direct from Broadway, we have the mighty Weanieman!"  

The crowd laughed, "ahahahahahhahah!" 

"I wouldn't test him if I were you.  He can be downright, unpleasant." said the wise old bar caller guy......

"I'll take my chances Mister.  Why don't you scram and leave the fighting to the real men?"  Thug number one said. 

"Oh, another thing, don't hit him in the you know where, he hates that." the bar man departed.   

The crowed hushed as the Weanieman took his place.    

"So, you're the big cheese huh?  The man with the giant cahones, feared by all, some would daresay even the man who walks without shadows, because they are too afraid of him?" 

"Just call me Weanie."  the side burned, muscle laden man said coolly.  

"Or sometimes, Petunia."  

"How about Patsy?" thug said, whilst punching Weanie square in the chest.  

"Never call me that!" the Weanieman growled out.  

"Yeah?  Well how about I step on your big toe then?"  

He slammed his foot down on Weanie's shoeless member.  Instantly a terrifying and painful song broke forward. 

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I am the Weanie Man 

I own a Weanie stand 

I sell most everything 

from hotdogs on down 

One day I'll find a wife 

She'll be my weanie wife 

And then we'll start 

a weanie fammmmmmmmmmmmm------ily!"  

The thug instantly fell upon the floor, clutching his head in pain. 

After a count of three the Weanieman was declared the winner and the opponent was drug off unconsciously.   

"Any more challeng-nevermind-" the bar man said as he noticed the entire crowd fleeing to the doors.

Neither of them noticed the girl sitting at the corner.  She took a long glance at the Weanie man and too quietly sped out the door.

On the road again…………. 

            The weanie man sighed.  He's searched the country to find her, but she always remained elusive.  He knew he'd have to come across the one eventually.  It was the only chance for survival of the weanie name.  He shuddered to think what would happen if she was never found.   

            He lamented.  All those years lost looking, because he'd been trapped in that terrible place.  The smells, the wicked machinery, the stench of burgers everywhere.  It was enough to give him nightmares bad enough that even now, 15 years later he awoke screaming in the night.   The chance encounter with Edward had been his salvation, his way out.  They'd been more than happy to let him go after he'd sliced his way through the burger processing area like it was some cheap pizzeria.  Dead Edward hadn't faired as well.  Without his scissors, he was defenseless.  But it had been his wish.  To live as a normal man, with normal hands had been his only wish.  

            As the weanie man had confided his wish to  Edward, they'd devised a pain.  It gave them what they both wanted.  A life of living hell in a burger joint as a normal man for Edward, and a set of nice skewers for Weanie's dream hot dog stand.  He still got misty-eyed thinking about it.  He swerved slightly on the road and heard a very distinctive 'ow' from the back of his vehicle.  It wasn't like he had super senses of anything.  Just there really wasn't as much room in clown cars as you might think.  He pulled off to the side of the road and shut off the engine of the car.  He reached behind the seat and pulled the stowaway out of his car feet first.  

            A young woman emerged slowly from the car and as she picked herself off of the ground he noticed- 

            "What the hell happened to your hair?  It's the exact shade of America's Best mustard" he said suspiciously.  

            "Only these two streaks are" she answered haughtily. 

            "And?" 

            "They used to be white, but that looked weird." 

            "Whereas yellow and brown go together so much better." He said sarcastically 

            "What do you want? I was perfectly comfortable and about to take a nap!"  

            "How did you get in there?" 

            "Through the door."

            "No, I mean how." 

            "Well, I bent my legs, and sort of crawled it headfirst." 

            "No, no I don't mean how, as in how do you do, or as in what did you physically do.  I meant it in the suspicious use of the word. It's not everyday that someone can fit into a clown car." He finished with a hint of the suspiciousness that he set out to convey. 

            "Tree."  

            "There was no tree involved-" 

            "No you idiot!  Tree  As in being wielded behind you!"  

            Before the mighty Weanie man could turn to save himself, a gigantic tree, well a large log anyway-a stick that was, nevermind.  He was knocked unconscious at any rate by a terrible creature known  as the 'ohhh, now I see the point' creature.  His purpuse?  Well that will be revealed later. 

            Anyway, the creature was paid his fee by the actor's guild and then ran off to his next gig.  In his haste he left a severely unconscious Weanie man, and a mustard streaked girl.  She was surprisingly strong and indeed caught the Weanie man before he hit the ground.  As she did so, his shirt magically rolled up to reveal a tattoo,  it read   "Weanie, Est. 1984."  

            She began softly singing an old tune she'd learned as a child.   

"I know a weanie man

he owns a weanie stand 

He sells most anything 

From hot dogs on down 

One day I'll join his life 

I'll be his weanie wife 

Oh how I love 

My weanie man."  

All of a sudden a large cliff on a hanger dropped down upon the duo……….. 


	2. The Lonesome Crooner Rides Again!

Title: Not Another X-Men Parody II: Being the second part….. 

Author: Autumn  

E-mail: dyslexic_crisco_penguin_fiend@hotmail.com 

De claimer/Distribution:  The 'WeanieMan's Lamment is completely my own creation.    

X-Cellent Accommodations, Song of the Damned, er Doomed, and also belong to me.  Further publication, yeah right, will result in automatic DooooMMMMMMMMMM.  Just ask, I'm nice. 

            "Oh why won't you wake up?  Please?   Come on.  Honestly, we can't go on like this!  Somebody help me please!"  

            From the shadows appeared………..Good Natured Leader Boy, and The Enigmatic Learned One.  "Well, you're in a bit of a pickle aren't you?" the good-natured one said far too cheerfully for the situation.  "Yes, nice day for a walk even.  So, tell me, why on earth are you sitting there on the ground when there are things to sing about?"  

            "The bluebird always sings loudest in times of the great heatherwalp-bucket." The Enigmatic one chimed in. 

            The girl just stared at them.  I mean, come on wasn't it obvious to everyone that she was cradling a wounded Weanieman who had just battled a fierce, irate 'oohhhhh that was the point?' Apparently that wasn't the case.   The pair took her silence as a sign to begin their overture.  

            Somewhere in the distance a piano scale sounded………… 

            "When you're feeling sad and lonely! 

            There is someone by your side 

            Almost the instant you wake up 

            From a coma, or a nap

            Just call for transportation 

            No need for an application 

            There are always accommodations 

            At X-Avier-'s!  

            Got in a bar fight?  

            Slammed by a tree

            The fiend walked off with your car-keys? 

            "The sparrow walks at midafternoon"Enegmatic one chimed in 

            Just call for transportation

            There's no need for such frustration! 

You'll find excellent accommodations 

At X-avier-s!"  Good-natured leader boy finally finished his little diddy.  

"I never called you though."  The streaked one said. 

"I, yeah um.  Just not many words rhyme with accommodation" the man finished, albeit lamely.  "Besides, we were right behind you on the road, we saw the whole thing." 

"And it didn't occur to you to come out and help sooner?  Didn't it look like this guy would have trouble defending himself from a bunny?"  

"Not all smurfs are created equal.  Only time will measure their true donkey strength." 

"Oh come on.  Look, I know you two are nuts, but this guy here obviously needs medical attention, and hey I could do with a change of scenery.  The cold of Canada is no place to set a parody."  

"Too true!  So shall we be off?"  The two singers began jauntily trotting off. 

"Um, could I have some help here?  I think this man has eaten too many weanies for his own good."  

Together the three conscious members of the party hoisted the fallen Weanieman and placed him in their private jet.  And so the stage was set for the next act, but first a look at our resident evil……….. 

In the Layer of the Lonesome Crooner …………  

"Sometimes, I feel like giving up 

the road has ended, alone I stand 

If only I had a puppy-----  

"Damn, that's not coming out melodic at all.  I hate it! Hate it, hate it hate it!  With all the passion of Lyle Lovet, how I hate it so!"  the lonesome one cried out as he smashed his vial of water into the wall.  It was made of plastic, so the dramatic effect was essentially ruined.

"You called master?"  a young, green skinned man called. 

"No, Red, trusty servant, faithful companion, I didn't."  the Crooner said, mournfully.  

"Master, you've been so-" 

"Desolate, lonely,  

terribly melancholic!-Obvious chimed in perfect harmony. 

"A former shadow of yourself"  Kitty-puss added in a baritone. 

The three joined hands and fell to their knees in from of their master.

"We can't bear to watch anymore 

as you slip away from the life 

you once led with such grace 

Domination, nevermore" Lonesome crooned. 

"You could be great once more 

with people cowering at your door 

the spoils of victory 

laid out, once again!"    

"Obvious-ly dear it's too late 

I am old and tired now 

The winter has taken its toll 

Old memories, gone in haste 

"We can't bear to watch anymore 

as you slip away from the life 

you once led with such grace 

domination, nevermore." 

"No.  It can't be this way 

there's life in you yet! 

Fight this malody, I beg 

Don't roll over; 

And over and over I've said 

The plights and pillages are gone 

Our ship of piracy has flown- 

"You know not what you say! 

It should have sailed and not flown 

Perhaps it's upon our shore!"  

Show me the way, if you believe 

To lead you in battle once more  

I dreamed it, yes 

The taste the touch the feel 

Forgotton! 

But yet, a new day has broken 

Xavier's guests 

Yes I'll take the quest 

To make him pay 

For what he's done 

Made a doormat out of me 

"We can't bear to watch anymore 

as you slip away from the life 

you once led with such grace 

domination, ever-mooooooo-reeeee!" 

 The four villains, flushed from their singing indeed began to hatch an evil scheme.  

"The Lonesome Crooner sings again!" Red cried out in glee.  

If only Xavier's knew what was coming…………. 


	3. The Weanie Man's Lament

Title:  Not Another X-Men Parody III! 

Author: Autumn  

E-Mail: dyslexic_crisco_penguin_fiend@hotmail.com 

Claimer:  "Lament of the WeanieMan" is the original work of said author; weather that is something to claim is under dispute… 

Distribution:  DDFH, Black Phoenix Queen  

Rating: PG 

************************************************** 

Where we last left our fallen Weanieman……

Unconscious in the arms of the Mustard Streaked girl.  They were subsequently taken to Xavier's Excellent Accommodations.  Meanwhile…….The Lonesome Crooner was coerced by his subservient to strike an unmelodic melody into the hearts of tens, or teens, or maybe even 20's……….  

We pick up our harrowing tail  with the Mustard Streaked girl, sitting upstairs in her luxurious cubbyhole…….  

" The people in this place are fair, and just 

lacking in brains, perhaps just a little 

But a roof over my head  

Just doesn't satisfy me anymore-  

The one thing I long for

At last appeared in my sight 

And I though to myself 

Damn, this is quite all right 

But he doesn't know 

And never can 

For the Lonesome crooner 

Will rise again  

"But dear streaked one, worry not!  

The menace at hand is here and there 

Sometimes inbetween the leaves 

My lines, are just filling the time gap!-A girl who looked curiously like Kitty Pryde chimed in.  How she got into the locked door, is another matter for a different day. 

"Alas, my friend, aghast my foe 

what I feel, they'll never know…..

For I know the Weanie man, 

The one and only hot dog man 

Capable of stealing my heart 

And serving it with relish 

He owns a weanie stand 

Chicago style, and braut-worst 

And though he's been searching 

It's all been in vain 

For I started my trek long ago, 

Before his first batch of weanies, 

Was completely sold 

Dum, du dum dum 

In case he never notices 

In case he doesn't see 

I am the Weanie wife, 

Begging him please 

Throw down your tongues, 

Pick up these hands 

And let the story unfold, 

My Weanie Man….."  She finished with a dramatic bow that nobody really saw since she was sort of doing the whole 'musical-sing-to-the-wall' thing.    

Elsewhere in the mansion, the resident doctor was attending to the patient.  

"Well, it my professional opinion, this man is suffering from a toothache.  A full body cavity search is of course going to be necessary."  Dr. Fraudian stated.  

"The girl said he was hit in the head by some pointed creature thingy do" the good-natured leader boy kindly informed his girlfriend/doctor.

"Did you spend three months in a medical malpractice school?"  

"Well no, I graduated."  

"Shut up.  I am the damn janitor here, I'll determine how we map out the strategy for the inter-colluded whatchamacal it.  Not you!  You, freak!" the red headed doctor spat out venomously. 

"But, you're a doctor Gene, not a janitor.  Try and get that right."  He said as he slammed out the door.  

"We coulda been so happy!  Why Enigmatic one, tell me why!" he cried forlornly to the Enigmatic woman sitting outside of the doorway.  It was her job to sit outside of doors where there was sure to be a fight and to wisely give counsel to the one who came bursting though the door first.  It never failed.    

"The sun always rises at the darkest hour of the great 7-11 in the sky."  

"Um thanks.  That's er helpful."  Natured boy said as he hurried off to ponder the great  mysteries of the world.  Or more accurately to marvel over Gene and his toilet relationship.  

In the Med Lab……

"Owwww!  Owwwiiiieeee!  Owwowowowo!"    

"Sorry, I didn't know if that would wake you up."  

"You stuck a fork into my thigh of course that woke me up!"  

"Well, in cases like yours, you just never know.  Every option must be tried.  Especially if it's extreme." Gene stated seriously.  

"You're a psycho."  The Weanieman stated the obvious.  

"No I am not!  I am perfect and loveable and good looking to boot!"  

"Whatever, I'm out of here you wacko."  

"That's what you think!"  From out of nowhere the Lonesome crooner wailed.  

"Lonesome!  How did you get inside the gates?!| 

"It was quite easy, I just wore this Captain Picard mask and called for transportation to Xavier's.  Honestly, if you don't want your archenemy to find you, then don't advertise you're location!  What's next a page in the phone book?  A billboard with your website?"  

 "Actually, I did see an add for the place in last month's 'Web Review' Obvious stated. 

"Quiet!  So you found us out, big deal.  The real question is why?  After all this time, why?" Dr. Gene Fraudian asked.  

"Well…….."  

Continued in the following edition ;  )  Ha-ha!  


	4. In Which it all goes Wrong!

Not Another X-Men Parody! Part IV: In Which It All Goes Wrong, and Act One Ends!

Disclaimer in part one 

Archive:  DDFH, Black Phoenix Queen 

Archive Notes:  The end of Act one.  When posted please post parts 1-4 as one act.  Thanks. 

 *  Songs are the original work of the author, the characters belong to someone else, kinda   * 

Previously:  Mustard Streaks and the Weanieman were taken to Xavier's Excellent Accommodations, Dr. Jean Fraudian and the Wonderboy had a fight, Kitty had one line, and the Lonesome Crooner broke into the grounds……… 

"I'll tell you why I'm here.  And the Lonesome Crooner sang again…" 

"I have no time to sit and whine 

about the memories, we both know 

But time is cruel and marches on 

and leaves us empty handed. 

Charles: 

Lonesome, where are you going?  

What are you doing? 

Have you forsaken me? 

Lonesome: 

Twas I who was left out in the cold!

You built your school, and took the children 

Your little family survived  

all the while, I was dying inside 

Charles: 

We parted ways, we had no choice 

You wanted the world 

and I'm a pac-ifist

There was nothing else to say 

Weanieman: 

Would you two stop crying 

and get to the freaking point?  

Lonesome: 

I'm a bad guy, that's what I am! 

I'm nasty and mean and ruthlessly cruel 

I kidnap little girlies 

and use them to stop the world 

I've said too much of my plan, I fear that I must jet! 

However, you've got telepaths, you'll figure it out yet! 

The meeting was lovely and Charles I love you  

but now we say goodbye!  

Check your bedrooms and your closets 

You'll find the missing key 

Te hee 

Te he, he , heeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Without a further note the Lonesome Crooner disappeared with his cohorts with a writhing package flung over the shoulder of one.  It began to wail…

Mustard Streaks: 

Please put me down,  

I dislike heights 

and I get motion sic-

*   ralphing noise  *  too late. 

"That's disgusting!  Onto the search!"  

The Search of the mansion…… 

"The kids are all present and accounted for sir."  the boy wonder said. 

"And the goats?"  

"All in the bedroom."   Dr. Fraudian said, looking a little flushed. 

"The pheasants?"  Charles asked. 

"With the chickens, sloth, and eye of Wisteria" the Enegmatic one stated rapturously. 

"There is one that's missing"  the Weanieman began in a voice that shook with anguish. 

"Who?  We have the farm animals, and the kids, who'd be gone?" 

"The only one with hair of that shade."  

"Mustard Streaks!"  Everyone chimed in together.  

"We've gotta saver her!"  the Weanieman lamented. 

"But, how?  The Lonesome crooner has her now.  I'm afraid she's sentenced to DOOM."  

"Wait a minute, he must have left behind clues in his singing.  He always gives himself away!"  the Wonderful Leader boy said excitedly.  

" He said something about kidnapping little girlies and using them to end the world!"  

"But what does that mean?" Jean wailed. 

"It means he kidnapped the streaked girl, and is going to try and end the world."  Charles explained impatiently. 

The Weanieman shot the metal from his arms and said, "Not while these prongs are still standing."  

All was silent…….

To be continued in Act II …….


End file.
